Love me again
by Simarilaty
Summary: Six months after Christian and Ana are married, he leaves in a haze. She's got it bad and not a day goes by without her thinking about him. He then suddenly returns and then her complicated life, seems to get even more complicated.
1. Chapter 1

I haven't written in a while and it's the first time I try to so. I know it's not the best what's out here, but I hope you like it and would continue to follow this. If you have any useful critic, then please share!

Have fun reading the first chapter!

xx

**Since I've got a lot of questions about cheating; no, it's not a cheating story! I don't think Christian would ever do that and neither would Ana ;-)**

* * *

_Since I met you I've been crazy_  
_Since I've been with you I've been lost_  
_You make everything see hazy_  
_Love comes with such a cost_

I stare at myself in the mirror. My brown hair is as usual a mess, but I don't care. In fact, I don't care about anything anymore. My life's is one big nightmare. Withouth any warning Christian left, six months after our marriage. I seriously don't know what got into him for doing that. I've always thought he loved me, that I changed him in a good way. Seems like it was all fake. I don't get it, don't want to get it.

I've changed in the time Christian left. The first month I only felt pain, then I decided to take back control over my life. I don't want to feel anything, anymore. I even left Escala.

I'm now living in an apartment of my own, close to my job at SIP. It's small, but it just does the trick.

I sigh heavenly after I'm done with my make-up. Red lipstick and a touch of dark eyes, seems fitting with my current mood. I still wonder what Christian would think of this new look, or his family. Speaking of them, I haven't seen them in quite a while. They still try to contact me, but I keep holding them off. I don't want to get reminded of him. The only one that I can allow is Kate, but yet she is married with Elliot, which brings his family way to close. It's all just to complicated.

Oh hell with the thoughts, work is waiting. In a rush I grab my briefcase and then head downstairs. As I come across the hallway I look one last time at my outfit; red jeans, a white silk shirt with a black studded jacket. A ghost of a smile appears on my face. This outfit I bought about three months ago was the last time I actually felt some real happiness inside of me. Since then everything in my head only just got more darker.

I've lost weight since then, but not enough to be underweight. I know Christian would've been nagging forever about it if he would've been with me.

I miss him, god yes I do. I miss everything about him, and I hate myself for it. Slowly I close my eyes. It's really time to get to SIP.

''Hi Ana!'' Hannah says smilingly as I pass her. ''How was your weekend?''

''It was okay, I guess.'' I answer her question politely. ''Went to Macy's with Ian.''

She frowns and as a reaction I roll my eyes. ''Sommerhalder?''

''Yes, and god no, It wasn't like that.'' For crying out loud, I just.. want someone around.

''Hi Ana!'' Hannah says smilingly as I pass her. ''How was your weekend?''

''It was okay, I guess.'' I answer her question politely. ''Went to Macy's with Ian.''

She frowns and immideatly I roll my eyes. ''Fernandes?''

''Yes, and god no, It wasn't like that.'' For crying out loud, I just.. want someone around.

I sigh as I walk down my office. It all went out in such a strange way. He seemed to be some kind of great author and had choses SIP for his next book. Our first meeting was actually fun as we discussed his upcoming book. Actually very simple, but yet there was something that day. It was after the book publishing a month ago he decided to ask me out. After that 'date' many more of them occurred. The man is heavenly company next to Kate. She's always nagging on my head about Christian, the family, my health, her relationship with Elliot or she's complaining about clothes. With Ian it seems so much more relaxed and he seems to get me wandering off out of everything. But, in the end, we are just friends. Friends! _Or perhaps I want to believe that. _To hell with love. I hate it.

The day flies by quickly and before I know it it's 8 pm. I look at my watch again. I worked far too long today and as far as I can see, everyone already left. Time to close the building myself then. Slowly I grab the keys of the front door out of my jacket and head to the main door.

I'm in a total shock at what I see when I'm almost there.

There are hundreds of Paparazzi. What the fuck? The last time this happened was when they heard I moved into my new appartement, about five months ago now, I guess. What happened? Slowly I walk against the glass door that's keeping them from going in. Is there a way out? I don't believe so.  
''There she is!'' I hear someone shout. The herd is now instantly looking at me. The door in front of me is still closed. I feel the blood drain out of my head. Godfuckingdammnit.  
In a haze I reach for my cellphone and call Ian.  
''Please get to SIP.'' I ask, gasping for air. This can't be right.  
''I'm already there, just, keep-'' I instantly hang up. I start to panick. What is this? Why is he here? Is this why everyone was so kind to me today? Is it about him and me?

It can't be. I love Christian. I want Christian. No, fuck, I don't want to think about Christian. But yes, I do. Our marriage spins before my eyes. Flashback.

I want it back, so desperately. And yet, I don't.

_Here we go. _I sigh and then pull the door I'm standing in front of, open. People start to scream my name. _Ignore them Ana, Ignore!_ My subconscious yells at me as I lock the door.

''Mrs Grey!''

Wait what.. why do they call me like that again? Normally it's just Ana or Anastasia. A bizarre premonition starts to well up. It can't be. _Could Christian be here?_

_''_Have you heard Mr. Grey is back in town?''

Those few words break me. I start to cry, gasping for air. As I push the paparazzi away I search for Ian. When I'm almost out of the crowd everything my vision gets blurry and slowly everything starts to faint into darkness.

''Give her some air!'' I hear someone shout in the background. I slowly start to blink my eyes and suddenly someone pulls me from the ground. Too tired to watch who it is I close my eyes again. The crowd is shouting and as I try to open my eyes again, all I see is lights flashing.

''What are you doing here?!'' Someone asks.

''protecting her of you fools.'' He snaps and then drags my away. Before I know it I'm on a huge car seat.

''For heavens sake, how much do you weigh?''


	2. Chapter 2

****Here's chapter two! I hope you like it!

Oh, and might I advice you to listen to the music of Rodrigo Y Gabriela? It's beautiful music, you'll see! _And it might make you better understand the idea of wanting to dance. (some of the songs)_

__Have fun reading

xx

* * *

**''**Who are you to ask me that?'' I frown as I watch out of the window. The car is moving away from the crowd and I sigh in relieve. My biggest fear is yet to come; meeting Christian. I haven't seem him in almost a year. How does he dare to just walk back into town, without any warning?  
''What were you doing there anyway?'' I snap at Ian, getting my thoughts away from Christian. He must've known about Christian's arrival however, there's no other explanation. Suspicious I look at him.  
''I heard some rumors on the radio and just wanted to be there if you would need me.'' He answers my question calm as he looks on the road. ''And I guess I was right, since you called me.''  
_Shit. ''_ Yes, but I only called in a wave of panic. I can handle myself quite well.''  
''Doesn't seem like it. Anyway, would you like some dinner?''  
His question reminds me of Christian and tears well up in my eyes. I turn my head to the window and start to look outside again. He used to ask me for food.  
Why is he here? Why did he return? Will he come see me, or won't he? I'm thrilled only by the idea of it, but I'm scared. Scared I might agree with whatever he may come up with, scared to be hurt again. I don't want any of it. I only want his love, him being with me.  
He never send an email back to me, hasn't answered any of my calls.. he obviously doesn't want any contact with me. Why? What did I do wrong?  
''No thanks, I just want to go home.'' I stammer. From the corner of my eyes I look at him. He simply nods, his eyes on the road.  
''Thank you.'' I whisper slowly. ''Thank you for being there for me.''  
''It's a pleasure, Ana.''  
The road back to my apartment seems to take hours and I'm relieved when we finally arrive.  
''Thank you, for bring me home and rescuing me from the press.'' I hug him and then leave the car.

Rain settles in as I watch him drive away. I then turn to my apartment. Time to get home. Home. _Escala is my home._ I roll my eyes to my subconscious and then burst into my house. In a hurry I hang up my jacket and then drop on the couch, exhausted. Maybe passing out is the cause of me being tired, but I surely doubt that. It's Christian that makes me tired. After all he keeps buzzing into my head for most of the time..  
Slowly I reach for my phone and dial Christians number, like I did so many time. For the first time in months I don't get instant voicemail. Slowly I start to cry as I hear his voice on his voicemail.  
''Hey,'' I pause. '' I don't know what to say actually. It's been a while since you have been in town, you know. I can't even remember when I saw you for the last time. I just.. '' and then I hang up the phone.  
I've called so many times, just to hear his voice. To remember, in case he would never show up. But now.. When will he visit me? He will, someday, that's for sure. I know him far to well. _Do I?  
_Nervously I wipe my tears away and stand up. It's time for some sleep.

That morning I'm feeling worse than yesterday. My head aches and I haven't slept much last night. My thoughts were dooming about my meeting with Christian, me being back at Escala, him calling me.. All of the doom scenario's have been in my mind for the past 12 hours, and none of them had a happy ending. In all ways, I ended up being alone, forgotten.  
Perhaps I should call in a sick week. With that idea in mind I head to the kitchen. My stomach hurts from the lack of food, so it could be a good idea to eat something. But what? Maybe some fruit? Or nothing? I smile. That's the only thing I actually don't miss about Christian; his pressure on me eating. Immediately I feel guilty. I know why he feels that way about it, why am I acting like this? I panic, decide to eat normal today instantly. In a rush I pick some yoghurt with cereal, a banana and a big glass of chocolate milk and then without any further thinking I eat it all.  
Ten minutes later I'm satisfied, but I still feel guilty. Guilty for the fact that I actually had a normal breakfast for once. _Idiot._. my subconcious yells at me, but I tend to ignore it.

While cleaning up the kitchen I reach for the phone and dial the number of SIP. It's Hannah who picks up.

''Hey, Ana here..'' I start.

''Oh Ana, I saw on tv what happened the other evening! If you want some days af, you are free in taking them.'' I'm to surprised to say anything, so I just nod. Oh.. wait. Irritated I roll my eyes.

''Ehm, yeah, that was indeed what I called for..'' I answer her. ''thanks for understanding.''

''Not a problem. I hope you and Christian will get together soon. Good luck!''

''Thank you Hannah.. bye.''

I hang up the phone, bedazzled. TV? Some idiot filmed the whole happening? My eyes widen. That means that everyone who wants to see it, can from now on. Great, awesome! Not.

I want to take a bath, just to relax. With that idea in mind I run up the stairs, pull out of my clothes and put on some music on my cellphone. Then I put on the hot water tap and slowly get into the bathtub. As the water rises around my body I close my eyes, listening to the music. Music from from Rodrigo Y Gabriela is playing through the bathroom. Oh god, why now? I love his music. His music makes me want to dance. Instead of giving me rest here in my bath, it wants me to get out as quickly as possible. I start the challenge to just lay still, trying to enjoy the hot water. As I try to wander of with my thoughts to some place nice and cozy, the music plays even harder through my head. Mission failed?

I wash myself off quickly and then get out of the bathtub. While listening to the music I grab a towel and dry myself off. I then head towards my bedroom, pick some clothes out of the wardrobe and put them on. Nothing special, just a grey sweatpants and a extra large black t-shirt.

Quickly I head back to the bathroom for my cellphone. I start humming along to the beautifull guitar sounds and then head to the livingroom. Grinning I plug the phone into the stereo and within a moment the music starts to play through the entire house. I turn up the volume and head to the kitchen to get a bottle of wine.

I just want to have fun. Permit.

Two bottle of wine later and some more songs of Rodrigo Y Gabriela I'm completely exhausted of partying and dancing alone. Moodswings, moodswings all the way. But hey, at least I'm happy? While drinking out of the bottle I turn on the music just a bit more. My neighbours should hear! I grin at the thought. Christian would love to see me like this. _No, he wont, fool.  
_''No, you are not allowed into my mind at this moment sir.'' I mutter to myself after I drank the last bit of wine out of the bottle. My vision is somewhat blurry, but I'm having fun! In my excitement I hop to the kitchen and on that moment the doorbel rings.  
_Christian! _My eyes widen as I slowly walk to the hallway. _No, no, no,no, please don't.  
_I stop in front of the door.  
''Ana! Open the goddamn door!'' I hear someone scream. Good, now the door can be openend! As if I need permission to. I roll my eyes and then just open it.


	3. Chapter 3

Here's the third chapter, and to just answer all the questions once more; no this wil **not** be a cheating story.

Have fun reading!

x

* * *

_I got so sick of being on my own_  
_Now the devil won't leave me alone_

''Kate!''  
She frowns and looks next to her. Elliot. Oh.  
My happiness fades away and within seconds I turn to my normal self. The wine is adding up though and my stomach is slowly starting to turn. _It's your own fault.  
_''Come in, you know your way.'' I say to them and then walk back to the living room. When there, I turn down the music and pull of the phone from the stereo. The room is a mess. A bit ashamed I turn over to Kate and Elliot.  
''What can I help you with?''  
They look at each other, as if they are deciding who should talk.  
''Ehrm, we heard from Carrick and Grace that Christian is back. We then saw what happened to you on the TV and we where.. worrying about you.'' Kate says. ''Since we have called since yesterday evening and we couldn't reach you, we decided to bring you a visit.''  
''I'm fine. I was having fun, actually.'' I shrug my shoulders, dizzy from all the wine.  
As Elliot sits down, Kate does the same. ''Why are you drinking on the middle of the day?'' She looks to the bottles of wine. I flush and shrug my shoulders again.  
''Why did Christian leave?'' I ask, and then start to cry. Immediately Kate stands up and takes me into her arms.  
''He has to talk to you about that himself, when he is ready to face you.''  
Kate being so understandable about Christian? It's not something I am used to. She wished him enough of bad things, and now suddenly she understands? He must have a good damn reason then.

''When will he visit?'' Slowly I wipe away my tears and let go of her.  
''I don't know. But he will, I know.''  
It's not fair. Why can't she tell me why he was away? Yet, seeing their faces, they both look concerned.  
''But.. Ana, are you sure you are okay? I haven't seen you in weeks and well..' she pauses. ''You look worse then you did back then.''  
''Yes, Kate, I'm fine.'' I smile at her and she visibly relaxes.  
After a long talk about the family, their vacation plans and how much Christians parents miss me, I'm starting to get annoyed. It's because of that I'm very relieved when they decide to go. After they went away I lay down on the couch. God how I hate those awkward conversations about the family. Carrick and Grace missing me.. I understand them but I just don't want his family near. It brings back Christian in my mind, and it makes me wonder why Kate and Elliot can't tell me what is going on.

''Oh Christian, I wonder what's going on.'' I sigh as I close my eyes, dozing off in a heavy sleep..

''Hey, sleepyhead, wake up..''  
I frown as I open my eyes. Ian? What? How did he get in?  
''How did you get in?'' I ask him as I sit up.  
''You gave me a key yesterday, don't you remember?'' he asks me, frowning. ''You didn't open the door, so I decided to use it.'' What the fuck? Why would I gave him a key? I stare at him and he grins, showing me the key. ''I can't remember I gave you that.''  
''But you did, otherwise I wouldn't be here, would I?'' he looks at me like I'm crazy. Why can't I remember? How can I forget something like that? My body starts to shake and quickly I stand up from the couch.  
''Would you like something to drink?'' I stammer as I look at him. He looks so.. normal. His brown hair is messy and his deep dark eyes stare at me. I can't read any expression out of it, which irritated me from the very first minute we met. I could read Christian's before he left.  
My eyes start to scan his clothes, which are casual as always; brown shoes, black pants, white shirt and brown jacket. _Christian's taste is better.  
_''Yes, wine please,'' he answers my question and then stands up. ''I'll get it, you look like you can use your rest.''  
Astonished I stare at him. What does he want from me anyway, why did he show up? I don't get it. Yesterday evening his appearance was just as strange. _You're making yourself crazy.  
_I slowly sit down again, pick up the tv remote and turn it on. While searching for a good channel I look from the corner of my eyes towards the kitchen. Suddenly Ian appears again and quickly I look back at the TV.  
''I brought you some wine as well.'' he says as he sits down next to me, next handing me the wine over. I look at it in regret, but It doesn't seem like negotiation is possible. He looks kind of.. bossy? I don't know really.. what I do know however is that I've drunk way too much today and this wouldn't do any good.  
Quickly I look at my cellphone. Wow, it's 6 pm. How long have I even slept?  
''Could you order a pizza?'' I ask Ian politely. He nods, stands up and leaves the room.  
Relieved that he's gone again I drop my legs on the coffee table. Why do I feel so uncomfortable near him so suddenly?  
I shake my head, nip of the wine and then turn my thoughts back to the television. It's a news channel. Huh? This channel wasn't on when Ian was in the kitchen.. in complete panic I look next to me, then sigh in relieve. The remote is on the complete other side of the couch, so he must've taken it while I was thinking about the wine. As I grab the remote, I look at the television. Something about celebrity's calls in and I immediately start to feel sick when I see my face cross the channel.  
''Pizza will be here in 15 minutes!''  
I completely ignore Ian and just listen to the TV. He seems to follow my example.

''_Mrs. Grey doesn't look so good these day. Since the sudden dissapearance of her husband we haven't seen her in any good condition, and yesterday evening she collapsed in front of camera's after hearing the apparently shocking news about Christian Grey. What's new for us is Ian Fernandes showing up. What is the story behind that? To be continued people, we'll keep you informed!'' _

Images are following and I feel the blood drain out of my face.  
''Why did you turn on this channel?!'' I ask him in anger.  
''I didn't!'' he answers me calm. ''god anna, think! First you forget about the keys and now you suddenly acuse me of changing the channel, which I didn't.''  
I'm in complete shock, taking the wine from the coffee table and start drinking. I hate people acting like this to me. It's clear he lies, isn't it?  
''You just took some of my extra keys!'' I snap at him, but I'm feeling insecure about it. I don't see a reason for him doing something like that.  
''You gave them to me before you left my car yesterday evening. And I really didn't change the channel.'' he sits down next to me and then turns my head towards him so I can look him in the eyes. ''you are way too much bussy with other things in your head, like Christian. It makes you forget about things, stop it. It's bad for you.''  
I'm baffled. How does he dare to say something like that? Why does he turn against Christian so sudden, while he understood me completely when I told him a few days ago I still can't get him out of my mind? Maybe he's right though, maybe I should focus on other things beside Christian. _But I can't, he's back in town._

_''_Please, let's get completely drunk and out of this world.'' I sigh, trying to get the conversation to another level. I just want to have fun, just like we had in macy's.

He shakes his head in disbelieve, then simply nods and tumbs his finger up, grinning at me.

It'll be a damn long evening, that's one thing I'm sure off.


	4. Chapter 4

This one's a bit longer.

Have fun reading!

* * *

Come take me home tonight  
Come take me home  
Oh I need you now  
I'm lost without you

_''No, please'' I start screaming. _

Bathing in sweat I wake up. I'm hot, and my stomach has turned. In a hurry I run to the bathroom and get down next to the toilet. Before I know it I start to throw up. All the wine and pizza from last night comes out, including something extra. After everything is out of my body I slowly get back on my feet by pulling myself up on the sink. My eyes are then meeting myself in the mirror. I'm in shock by what I see; my left eye is bruised, big time. Huh?

Must've happened last night while drinking, but I don't remember. I sigh, then walk out of the bathroom and downstairs.

By my surprise the whole livingroom is cleaned and on the coffee table stands a vase with beautiful white roses. Next to it lies a note. I frown and then walk towards it. Why is my life so damn weird? And where is Ian? He must have cleaned the whole apartment while I was sleeping. _What a freak.. but a kind one._

I pick up the note next to the beautiful roses.

_Good morning Ana, you must be awake now. You tripped over your feet and fell with your head on the coffee table, then passed out, if you might wonder about your eye. Decided to let you sleep and clean stuff up. These flowers were delivered for you this morning._

_Have a nice day, _

_X_

_Ian._

I roll my eyes. Oh yes, tripping over my damn feet sounds typical something that I would do, especially when I'm drink that's not such a surprise.

I start to crumple the note and meanwhile I'm looking at the table, searching for the keys I apparently gave Ian. They're not here, so he didn't leave them here. I frown. After the discussion last evening I expected he would. _Fool. _I want the keys back, it's just not feeling right that he has a pair.

My eyes now turn to the roses. There's a small card hanging on them. They can't be from Ian, since he said they were delivered.. A warm feeling passes my body and I start to get nervous.

Quickly I open the little card.

_''Please get to Escala this evening at 8 pm.'' _

''Oh my god.''

I'm far to exited then is good and all of a sudden my whole body is filled with energy. _I will see Christian tonight! _After almost a year I will see him, after so long I can finally bury myself in his arms. But yet, I'm afraid. He left in such a haze and only left one message; I'll be back before you'll know it.  
I've never heard of him since then. Days in longing turned into weeks and then into months, and now it's July 2014 and I'll finaly see him. Although I'm happy with this news, I don't know if I can forgive him, ever. I've changed a lot, and I'm mad at my husband, for just letting everyone dig in the dark. Even security has stopped following me, which was actually a relieve, but, it just doesn't feel right.

The rest of the day Christian is constantly in my mind and at 5 pm I'm starting to get insane. Only three hours left untill I'll meet him. Time to shower, look for the right clothes and do some make-up. With that idea in mind I head to the bathroom and pull on the hot water tap in the shower. When the water has the right temperature I quickly step in.. I slowly put my head against the wall and let the warm water fall down on me. The hot water makes me drown in my thoughts, but my body starts to relax  
What will Christian think when he sees me? I've changed a lot since he left, and not only from the inside. And what will he think about the fact that I'm so isolated from everything I actually like, his family and my mother? I haven't spoken my mother in a few months. Ray however, is the only exception. I still call him from time to time, but we haven't seen each other in a real long time. What will he think of Christians reappearance? I know Ray gets completely pissed off when Christian is the subject of our talks, but if everything might work out for him and me, I hope my father can accept him again. In fact, I hope I can accept Christian.  
Ian's words still tremble through my mind; I am way to much busy with Christian. He's right, so completely right. Maybe I should not be going to Escala tonight.

I shake my head. No, I am going. I'm not letting myself get crazy. I want to see him after so much longing.

To get out of my head I start washing my hair, then my body and before I know it I'm done. Quickly I turn off the water and start to dry myself off. Wrapped in a towel I walk towards my bedroom. Once there I open my drawer and start the search for something that will fit me good. As I'm searching, I throw a lot of cloths on bed. Irritated I roll my eyes. Why do I have so many clothes?

I continue my search and in the end I decide to wear a black jeans with a white blouse, combined with black heels. It's a little formal but it will do. However, they are a bit bigger than I'm used to. I've bought this set 1 week ago, so I don't really get it. It's not like I've lost so much weight since then. In fact, I'm looking the same.

Once back in the bathroom I look in the mirror. My eye is a little bit thicker and purple, but it doesn't hurt as much as it should do. Perhaps a bit of the alcohol is still in my body? I don't know, but I don't care as long as it won't hurt.  
I pick up some foundation and slowly start to cover my eye. Damn, touching it does hurt. I continue, biting my lip because of the pain. As my eye is almost covered I instantly apply some eyeliner and mascara, after which my other eye follows. After I'm done with my eyes, I decide this is enough. Because of my bruised eye I look like a clown; the foundation doesn't hide the bruise completely. Any blusher or lipstick would make me look silly. Why couldn't I fall another time? It just doesn't look good.

Slightly irritated I reach for my hairdryer and start blowing my hair. When it's completely dry I start to brush it and I tie it into a pony tail.  
One last view in the mirror tells me I'm ready to go.

I look at my watch while sitting in the cab. My heart beats almost right of my chest and I start to gasp for breath. I'm almost there. For a few seconds I close my eyes, trying to calm down and when I open my eyes, I see Escala in the distance.  
''You look like you could use some water, here.'' the cab driver hands me over a bottle of water. I frown, then smile. That's a nice gesture.  
''Thank you sir.'' I say politely and open the sealed bottle and start to drink. The cold water calms me down a bit. When I think I don't need the water anymore I close the bottle and hand it over to the cab driver, thanking him again. A few seconds later he stops the car. Are we already there? Astonished I grab some cash out of my wallet, give it to him and leave the car.

''Miss, your change!'' he yells.

''It's fine.'' I assure him and then start walking towards the entrance of the building. Once in I head straight to the elevator.  
Suddenly I see Taylor standing next to it. When he notices me, he smiles at me.  
''Mrs Grey, good to see you again!'' he says as he pushes in the button of the elevator.

I flush at him. Damn, how long I haven't seem him. Him being around distracts me from the meeting with Christian. It's pleseant.

''How are you doing Taylor?'' I ask him while we step into the elevator.

''I'm doing pretty well, thank you.'' he answers as he pushes in the code for the penthouse. ''How about you Mrs. Grey.''

''It's still Ana, you know.'' I grin at him, waving away the question

He smiles and after that the conversation falls dead. He doesn't know what to say anymore, and I don't know either. To ask him about Christian would be a bit awkward, and besides, I will see him in less than a few minutes.

I'm getting dizzy as the elevator stops at the top of the building. I see Taylor frowning and immediately he supports me so.

''Nerves,'' I mutter while holding myself. _Lack of food! _my subconscious yells at me. ''Thank you, you can let go now.''

He nods and then indeed lets me go. He leaves the elevator and I follow him, trying to follow his pace. Stupid heels won't make me go faster, just as the dizziness that's still remaining.

He opens the door to the penthouse and holds it open for me. ''Good luck, Mrs.. Ana.'' He gives me a supportive smile as I cross him. Polite as ever, good guy Taylor.

When I'm in the living room, my heart stops beating, permit. I'm back in Escala. It's only now that reality catches me. I _will_ see Christian. Where is he? In a haze I look around me, but I don't see him. I'm just standing here, looking around. Suddenly I hear him.

''Ana..''

His voice makes me weak and I gasp for air. Christian.


	5. Chapter 5

Since you wanted more, here's more ^^

* * *

_Oh boy, have you seen my head?_  
_I've lost my mind til I forget_  
_And oh boy, have you seen my heart?_  
_It's beating so loud, I'm falling apart, and_

_Only you can bring me back to life_  
_Only you can pull me into right_  
_Tell me when I can breathe again_

I turn around and there he stands. He looks exhausted, terrified and yet a spark of happiness is seen in his eyes. Maybe that's because of me? I give him a small smile as he looks at me. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.

''Oh Ana, you don't know how much I've missed you.'' He says, his voice cracks and sadness fills his face. It's at that same moment I see a scar above his eye. What happened?

''Indeed, I don't know.'' I snap suddenly. Immideately I regret it, but in the end, it's his fault and not mine. He left, not me.

He walks towards me and then pulls me in his arms. I try not to cry as he strenghtens his grip. A few minutes we just stand there like this, both in silence.

''You got to explain everything to me,'' I whisper. ''Please, please, have a good explanation.'' Deep down I know I can forgive him if he as a good explanation, but trusting him is another topic. If he has not a good reason for being away so terribly long with letting anyone know, I'm out of here. Permit. Time to get up for myself if necesarry.

He slowly lets go of me and grabs my hand, still not saying anything. I'm confused by his reaction, but I just follow him. He sits down on the couch and in reaction I do the same.

I look at him. He lost a significant amount of weight and is almost just as pale as I am.

''I can't tell you.'' he starts. ''But I wrote everything down, on advice of dr. Flynn.''

I'm starting to feel angry. Why can't he just tell me? Is it _that _bad? I look him in the eyes and the sparkle he had when he just saw me, is gone. All that's left is worry and fear. Fear of what? Me being here or something different?

''Here,'' he picks up an enveloppe and gives it to me. ''please, read it.''

Without looking at him any furher I take the enveloppe and pull out the letter that's inside it. My hands start to shake as I open it. That's a damn long letter he wrote. Slowly I begin to read.

_Dear Ana,_

_I don't know where to start, how I should explain you what happened the past year. Let's start with the fact that I love you, and I will never_ _let you go. _

_Last year, when I just left without any warning I was.. confused. I don't even know exactly why I ran away, perhaps I needed some time to overthink everything what happened between us. All those good things.. I just couldn't comprehend and at the time I went away I was completely out of my mind. I wanted some alone time, to overthink where my life was going. I had to tell you, and I know you would have understood, and I'm deeply sorry I send you a message after I left. I hope you can forgive me that. _

_However, leaving you so long was never my intention. I left all my security here as you may know, so they could look over you, and that was her chance. Elena had hired some men who got me down and locked me up somewhere in the other side of the country._

_I've been tied up on a bed for months, drugged all this time to keep me weak and in confusion. She tortured me with voicemail calls you made, or all the emails you have sent to me, untill you stopped with both of that two months ago, as if you finally gave up. She decided to let me beat down by one of her guys every few days or she drugged me even more to get me completely out of this world. _

_Later on, two weeks before my escape, nobody came visiting me anymore. Elena had been in a car accident and is in the hospital right now. She's in a coma, for what I know at the moment. The guys are still on the loose, but nobody's there to control them so I guess that's the reason I am here. _

_As I said before, nobody came visiting me anymore and as the days grew without being drugged, I knew to get myself out of the bed one way or another. I couldn't walk quite well since I hadn't stood in months. Another few days went by and I finally found a phone in the room I was left in. I then called Taylor, he located my phone call and the rest is history. I'm back. _

_If I hadn't got away none of this would happen and I've never regretted anything more in my life. _

_I hope you can forgive me and can find a way to trust me again._

_Love, _

_Christian G._

I'm in shock, nothing more or less. Indeed, I would have understood if he just told me something when he decided to leave for a few days. It's the only thing that comes up to my mind. I don't know what to say, or think about that bitch of an Mrs. Robinson. _My poor fifty.  
_I look at him and tears are slowly rolling down my face. Quietly I cry and push his hands away as he tries to grab me. I don't want to be touched, not now.I can't believe what that bitch had done, letting him beat up, drugging him.  
''Why did she do it?'' I ask him in fear. ''Why?'' I want to know.  
''Because she hated me for being with you I guess.'' He shrugs his shoulders and looks at his hand, insecure.  
''She has also sent everyone emails in my place. The security and Carrick and Grace. In case you might wonder why security suddenly let you get out of sight. The only one she left out, is you, so you would think I had left you forever.'' he mutters. ''god Ana, I have feared so much for your life. I'm so glad you are alive.''

He then grabs me and this time I let him be. I slowly sink into his grip and close my eyes. I don't know if I can be with him. I love him, god yes I do and I'm glad he's back. But.. can I trust him, can he accept me as I am now? I've became a shadow of myself, and for all what happened with him.. I don't know if he can handle, and if I can handle him if he has a trauma on all of this.  
''Christian,'' I stammer, meanwhile crying. ''I don't know if we can get together again''


	6. Chapter 6

If you have any idea's on how the story involves, please review and I see what I can do with it. Anyway, more drama's on the way. Hope you like it :)

* * *

_You can't trust a cold blooded lover  
You can't trust a cold blooded slave  
You can't trust a cold blooded other  
In the end they'll just drive you insane_

''Why?'' he stammers and slowly pulls me away. He looks as if I betrayed him. _Hey, you were the one that left in the first place!_

''I've changed Christian.'' I whipe away my tears, searching for words. ''I've became a shadow of myself. I don't know if you can take that, or if I can take you and a new trauma.'' It took me such a while to finally break through his trauma of his birth mother, and now this.. and who said his old trauma hasn't gotten stronger while living in such a condition?

''I know you have changed, Ana. I saw you on the news, and I see you right now.'' he looks at me, insecure. ''I am shocked by how you look to be honest. You are just skin and bones, not to add that black eye you tried to cover up.''

I flush right away. ''I tripped over my feet and landed on the coffee table.'' He looks at me doubtfully, but then decides not to talk anymore about it.

''Why did you leave me in the first place?'' I ask him. That's also important for me to know.

''Because it was simply too much. All that happiness we shared.. I couldn't comprehend Ana.'' He looks to the ground. ''I felt like I didn't deserve it, and at one point I just wanted to be alone for a few days. Flynn advised me to not do it, but-''

''But you were to stubborn to listen. That's nothing new.'' I quickly finish his sentence before he can. I can't forgive him that, permit. ''You left me because of your own problem, which is extremely selfish by the way. You could've talked to me, instead of running for your own damn feeling. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you again.'' I pause, ''No seriously Christian. You have to give me some time. I feel sorry for what happened to you, but I don't know if I can do this.''

Slowly I stand up from the couch.

''No Ana, don't go.'' he almost screams it. Terrified I look at him, my body shaking. Without any warning he starts crying. God no, please.. I'm not washed up for him to be like this. He can't cry.

''Ana please, I've missed you so much. Today was a living hell, since I didn't know if you would even show up after you never heard of me. But please, don't leave.'' He cries like a child, gasping for breath. He stands up from the couch and out of the blue he kisses me. It's at that point my heart breaks. I slowly pull him away.

''Fine, fine.'' I rattle. ''But if you hurt me in any way, or if you are going to blame any freakish behaviour on a trauma, I'm out. I can't handle that right now. I want to help you in any way, but don't, I repeat don't think I can trust you right away. You will from now on always tell me where you go, understand?''

I feel a bit bossy at this point, but it's for my own well being. I don't want to sink any lower then I have last year.

''Allright, your terms.'' he simply says. ''As long as I won't lose you, Ana.'' He just stands there like a lost puppy. I give him a small smile and then wipe away his tears.

''Is it allright if I move in next week then?'' I slowly ask him. ''I want to overthink everything on my own pace and want to prepare myself, do you understand that?''

''Oh Ana, I'm more then happy than you might even consider that.'' He hugs me and again kisses me, and I simply answer his kiss. It feels safe, after all this time, he still feels safe. I put my arms around him myself for the first time this evening.

''I love you,'' he whispers in my ear. A warm feeling is going through my body.

''and I love you, too''

After Christian had dropped me off at my apartment I'm exhausted. We had some dinner together and it even felt like everything was normal again. He kept asking me about SIP, about Ian and how I was actually doing. He was shocked to hear how I lived right now, how isolated I am from his family and my mother. All I could do was simply wave it away by telling him how much I've missed him. He looked at me as is he was in a dilemma, whether he should ask any further or not, and decided not to.

I then asked him about Elena's condition and she still remains in the hospital, in critical condition however. When there's news he will be the first to hear it, that's at least what he told me. He'll do anything to keep me save, and I trust him in that aspect. One of the security men now has the task to monitor my house 24/7. The idea alone makes me sick; I can handle myself pretty well, although the idea of an psychotic Elena on this planet makes me appreciate it a little bit more.

I lay down on bed, to lazy to take of my clothes I close my eyes. I'm sure Christian has a trauma and I hope dr. Flynn can help him with that. Me being monitored is only one thing looking like a trauma apart from the need to protect me from everything on this world, including myself. I smirk, since I'm always very clumsy.

However, this time it has to go my way or I will be out and ask for a divorce. With that idea in mind I try to sleep, but suddenly my phone starts to buzz. Christian? What?

I slowly grab it out of my pocket. One text message. I frown, since it's not from Christian.

_Hey, you wanna grab some breakfast together tomorrow morning at Harrids?_

_ x Ian_.

Pff, Ian. I completely forgot about him today. Hanging out does seem like a good plan. Perhaps he can tell me how to handle Christian. In the end, he is a man and he knows what's good, right? I shrug my shoulders. Oh well, I like being with Ian since he is not as complicated as Christian is. _But he stole your keys! _

_Hey Ian, _

_Sure! You can pick me up at 10._

_Oh and thanks for cleaning my house, that was quite a surprise!_

_Ana. _

And it's send. I smile. Although I know he's not a fan of Christian, he made that clear more than once, he is a decent man. He could give an objective opinion. My phone buzzes again.

_Great! Sleep well! _

''Thanks'' I mutter as I'm starting to pull out my clothes and climb underneath the sheets. Once again, my phone buzzes. Okay, now he's getting me annoyed. Irritated I pick up my phone once more, only to see that this time it's not Ian.

_Don't think I will leave the two of you alone just as simple like this. I will come back, and you will notice._


	7. Chapter 7

** Another part, enjoy! **

* * *

_You are driving me into panic._  
_I know that you can't understand it._  
_I'm constantly sinking, I'm no longer thinking._  
_So leave me alone when I'm frantic._

Terrified I'm wrapping the sheets around me and stare at the screen of my cellphone. That must be from Elena.

Should I call Christian? He can't use that pressure on him for now. He had be gone through far to much. I shake my head. No, no. Perhaps I can call Ian to calm me down. Afraid for another message I pick my phone and dial Ian's number. A sleepy voice answers.

''Yes?'' he mutters, not fully awake.

''Can you please come over?'' I ask him. ''I can't explain it to you, but just come.''

''Ana! What's wrong?'' Immediately he's awake. ''I'll be there in 15 minutes, hold on.''

As he hangs up I stand up from my bed and pull on some night clothes, and put my phone in my pants.  
I slowly climb back into bed. I don't know it this was such a good idea, with the new security hanging around the building. What will Christian think if he hears it? He will be devistated if he hears I call someone else instead of him. _Then he shouldn't have dissapeared. _

I'm still pissed for his lame excuse. If he didn't went away, Elena would never had a chance of getting him.

Some noice in the hallway makes me fly out of the bed. What if it is her, or one of her guys? Gasping for breath I look around my room and then grab my alarm clock. As I hear the sound come closer I hide next to my wardrobe and all of a sudden, the lights in my bedroom turn on.

''Get out!'' I start to scream and in a haze I throw my alarm clock towards the person. After it hit him straight onto his head I see that it is Ian. ''Oh my god, I'm so sorry.''

He grabs his head and looks pissed at me. ''Goddamnit Ana, chill down. You knew I would come.'' He snarls at me. ''You're seriously insane.''

I'm getting paler by the minute and when he sees it, he relaxes. ''Now, get me some ice and tell me what the fuck is wrong.''

I nod and I walk down the stairs, Ian on my heels. I feel his eyes burning in my back. _God what have I done._

Quickly I pick a coolpack out of the freezer, wrap it into a towel and give it to him. ''Thanks.''

I flush and walk to the couch, where I sit down. I look at him. He's clearly not happy. Well then he should have used the doorbell, like any normal person would do. It's his own fault. Although I didn't know I had such a good throwing skills. Panic does a lot with me.

''Why did I have to come? I just fell asleep.'' he sighs. ''You should really try something for your panic attacks.''

Hey, I don't have panic attacks! I roll my eyes at him and then start biting my lip.

''I got a message from someone, it threathend me.'' I whisper at him, afraid of his reaction. _I wish he never came. _

''Ana, ana, ana..'' he shakes his head. ''You should really do something about your delusions.''

''It's really there!'' I yell at him, pissed. How dare he, I can prove it! I quickly grab my cellphone out of my sweatpants. ''Look, here!'' I click on my inbox and throw the phone on his lap. ''Here, there, look at it then!'' I'm getting out of my mind. He has his nice gestures and is a good listener, but really, he thinks things of me I'm not.

''Ana..'' he shows the phone to me. ''What message?''

What? I take back my phone. It's not there.. That's not possible. I've read the message, I've called Ian because of it! My heart pomps out of my chest and I gasp for breath.

''Easy, calm down.'' He puts away the icepack and grabs my face. ''Look at me, calm down.'' My eyes widen and I push him away.

''You deleted it!'' I seriously start to panic. I'm not having delusions, I don't! ''I couldn't decide who I should call, you or Christian, since I was with Christian this evening before this happened!''

''Ana, listen to yourself.. you haven't seen Christian in months. Why would you see him now, all of sudden? It's 1 am in the night.. You just had a bad dream Ana and you think it's real.''

I stare at him in complete disbelieve, completely knocked out of the field. ''Think about it.. first you forget you give me keys, then the thing with the tv and now this.. You even threw a alarm clock to my head for christ sake.''

I slowly nod, perhaps he's right. Perhaps I do have delusions. I should call Christian next morning to check it.

''Here, I have something that may help.'' he looks at me. ''It helped for me a few months ago to calm down. I thought it would be good to bring them, just in case.'' As he says it he pulls a small box out of his leather jacket. ''Take twice a day these pills and I gurantee you that you will feel better in a short period of time.'' He smiles at me. I simply nod. What if.. no. I better do as he says.

''I'll get some water, perhaps I will sleep good on them tonight.'' I say to him while standing up. I can't believe I'm having delusions, but since these pills are just to calm down, there's no problem in just trying them.

With two big glasses of water I return to the living room. ''Here, in case you might have gotten thirsty.''

I sit down next to him and pick the box with pills of the coffee table. I see him glance at me as I open it. Wow, there a dozens of small pills prepracked, just like the pill that keeps me from getting pregnant, only then even smaller and a lot more. I sigh as I pull one out and I put it on my tongue. Quickly I drink the small pill away with the water I just got out of the kitchen.

''I think I'm going, I think you'll be okay now. If anything happens, just call.'' He says and he stands up from the couch. I frown. Why does he want to leave so suddenly? ''Don't forget breakfast at Harrids tomorrow morning.''

I nod and he smiles. ''Good girl. Good night.'' He says and he then gently kisses me on my head. What the fuck? Where is that good for?! _Christian would knock him down on the ground if he saw that. _

''Yeah, goodnight. You leave out yourself.'' I say and I lay down on the couch. He nods, smiles and then walks away. After the frontdoor in the hallway closes and I hear it being locked, I close my eyes. Time to get some sleep.

''Ana!'' I hear Christians voice scream. I'm instantly awake. Huh? Did I dream that or was that real. I pick up my cellphone from the ground and look at the time. 7 in the morning? I must've dreamed it. I roll my eyes, but then I hear him screaming, again. No, this _is_ real!

I almost fall over my feet trying to reach the front door. Shit, it's locked. Ian did that last night. I search for my key on the table in the hallway and then open the door.

It's indeed Christian.

''You are coming with me, today.'' He snarls at me as he bulldozers in my apartment. Oh no, not this Christian again.

''I told you I need time!'' I yell at him as I close the door. He's not going to mandatory me on this one.

''I don't care. You take your time at my house.'' He barks at me. ''I am informed that Elena has woken up from her coma, and I don't want to take any risks.''

My eyes widen and I look at him, in shock. So she could indeed have send me that message. Confused I squeeze myself in my arm. Ouch! No, this is real. This is _not_ a delusion.

''Allright. I'll take some clothes and stuff. Can you wait outside, please?'' I ask him, afraid he might bark at me like he did before. I'm not a dog damnit.''I'm sorry for acting like this.'' He apologies. ''I was just very worried. Yes, I will wait outside.'' I shrug my shoulders and then walk up the stairs.  
I instantly grab a suitcase and put some of my clothes, shoes, make-up and contraceptive pills in it. Once downstairs I walk into the living room and pick up Ian's box of pills. For now they did their job; I didn't completely paniced after I heard about Elena, did I?

I decide to take them with me and put them into the suitcase as well. Time to go. Time to go to Escala.

Here we go.


	8. Chapter 8

Hope you guys like it. x

* * *

_Written up in marker on a factory sign_  
_'I struggle with the feeling that my life isn't mine'_

Escala looks typically like.. Escala. . Suddenly my stomach starts cramping and I drop my suitcase, only to grab the painful area.

''Baby, are you okay?'' Christian looks worried. Baby? I haven't heard that one in a long while.

''God ye-'' another cramp. Where is this coming from? The stress of having to be here again all out of sudden? Perhaps I should take on of Ian's pills. Or could they be the cause? I wonder. Probably it's just stress.

''Come one, you get back in bed.'' He tries carefully. He looks really concerned. I don't like it.

''No I don't want to get back in bed, I-'' another cramp and my stomach starts to turn. I cough. ''Fine.''

Which bedroom should I go in? The ony I came in first, or _our _bedroom. Then I have so sleep with him. That's not such a good idea, at least not now. The ''sub'' room then. I pick up my suitcase and start dragging it with me.

''I want to be alone.'' I say to Christian and then close the door behind me.

The room still looks quite undressed and the wardrobe still stands open from the last time I used it. I start to grin, then there must be my clothes in it as well. At the moment I wander to the wardrobe, my stomach turns again. Perhaps another time, then.

I lift up the sheets and crawl under them. My mind goes blanco and I doze off as my head touches the pillow.

''Psst, wake up.'' I shake my head and mutter something before blinking my eyes. ''Breakfast on bed, I thought you would like it.''

I frown at him. Fifty is really doing his best for me. Well, this times thousand and by that time I might be able to forgive him. Maybe.

''Thanks.'' I smile at him and he hands me over a tray. On it is a plate with a fried egg and a big glass with fresh orange juice. It looks delicious, although my stomach still hurts.

Christians sits down next to my feet and looks at me. What does he want from me, apart from me eating? Instead of asking him to, I start to eat. No need to play obvious games. If he wants to talk, then he should start.

I take a nip of the oranje juice, my eyes focused on my husband.

''Elena's situation is very critical.'' he says to me. Ah yes, that was the reason he brought me here in such a rush in the first place. But, if she is so critical, why did he get me out of my house at goddamn 7 in the morning? ''But, I wanted to know you were safe, and here you will be.''

''As long as you know this won't solve anything.'' It won't. It takes time for me to trust him again, to dare to let him come near again. I just.. I don't know what I want. Although I know what happened to him, I can't look any further then him running away from me. If he didn't do that, then Elena would never got him.

Christian looks as if he is in pain, in a great struggle with himself. Without thinking I put the tray next to me and then grab his hands.

''I will fight for us Christian, but my distrust in you won't be solved by just being here.'' I sigh in relieve, glad that it's out of my mind now. He simply nods and then looks at my breakfast.

''You didn't eat very well.'' he then looks at me. ''you should eat more. You look like a wreck.''

I roll my eyes and Christian starts to smile. Wait, what? I thought he hated that? But I love that smile of his.  
''Why-,'' I get interrupted by my phone. I quickly grab it out of my pocket. Ian! Oh god, I completely forgot about our breakfast. My hands start to shake as I pick up the phone. Will he believe that I'm with Christian?

''Ana! Where are you? I thought I had to pick you up for breakfast, remember?''  
''Christian picked me up this morning. I completely forgot about our breakfast.'' I turn away my head so I don't have to look at Christian. I know him far too well, always so overprotective. He can't have a say in this. It's my life and I choose my friends myself.  
''Oh, okay. Can we have it the day after tomorrow?'' I'm amazed.. No words about my delusional behaviour? Hmh. That's odd. He normally keeps hammering on it. Perhaps he finally knows it's because I'm clumsy that I'm like that sometimes. You see, I don't need those stupid pills.  
''Sure, same time?''  
''Yes, I'll see you then. Bye.'' He hangs up.

I put the phone down next to me and then quietly grab my breakfast, afraid my man will start asking. From the corner of my eyes I see Christian's eyes following the moves I make. ''Was that the guy that was with you last night?'' he suddenly snaps. His attitude changed. I was right. How does he even know that? I start to think. Oh wait, yes. Security was watching me, I completely forgot about that.  
''Yes, that was Ian.''  
''Yes, I know who he is. Already checked him last night.'' I start to feel angry. What the fuck? Christian hasn't changed, not even a bit. ''Goddamned Christian, why?'' I yell at him. ''He's just a friend.''  
''I wanted to know if he was safe. Turns out he is.'' Oh how great of the wonderful master! He found out that Ian is safe.  
''Well congratulations, can you now get the fuck out?'' My vision is turning red. ''And take your breakfast with you.''  
Without any word he stands up, takes the tray and leaves.

The next two weeks were basically the same as before he left. Still overprotective and still he wants to keep me eating and in the house for the rest of my life. I haven't heard from Ian since our breakfast and it feels all very awkward. Even working at SIP is different than before. Everyone knows that Christian is back and they all act different around me since then.  
It's all too much and I feel restrained. I feel at the very edge of collapsing in because of the pressure it all brings to me. The only good thing is that I slowly start to trust Christian near me again. He tells literally everything he will do on a day to me and if he does something else instead, he texts me. I think whatever he does is okay, but when I change my mind.. Oh than the war starts again. It sickens me, makes me stressed to the bone. I thought a lot about the pills Ian gave me, but I decided to just not take them, until I get a panic attack or something like that. Since the evening he went by that didn't happen again, so I guess in the end all the energy Christian takes out of me, is what I need. Somehow.

It's the sound of screaming that gets me out of my thoughts. What's wrong? I quickly look at my alarm clock; 2 am. I'm not awake often at this time, but even if I were, this would've awaken me.

Afraid of what might be going on I get out of my bed and out of the bedroom. The screams come out of Christians bedroom. My body starts to shake and I slowly open the door of his room as I reach it. There he lies, crying in his dream, screaming at the top of his longs. I start to cry. Heartbroken.


	9. Chapter 9

It's kind of short, but I hope you like it :)

* * *

**CPOV. ****_Christian's dream_**

_I just want to die here _  
_You wont let me out alive _

_I try to get of the bed, but the straps are holding me to tight. I hear her laugh. ''Oh poor Christian.'' She smirks as she leans to the wall. I look around the room, then back at her. We are alone. I shiver. I never thought that she would turn out to be something like this.. _

_''Lets give you some joy.'' She smiles as she walkes towards a cabinet. I start to panic. More drugs. Fuck. _

_''Elena, why?'' I ask her, deadly cold. I hate this. She keeps getting me drugged as soon as I start to get a little bit better. It's sickening. I just want to go home. To my Ana._

_''Because you deserve it.'' she simply says. _

_As she comes closer I start to lose my control and start to pull on my arms. The straps around me ankles and wrists start to cut and tears start to well up in my eyes again. _

_''Hold still, fool.'' She picks my arm and then pulls a needle into it. I try to resist, but I can't. Within a minute the liquid is inside me and slowly my grip of reality is going away. The room starts to spin around my head. I groan, this is horrible. ''Come one Christian, cry then.'' I can hear her laughing. _

_''Elena,'' I mutter. ''Why?'' _

_''Because you deserve it.'' she repeats. ''You are worhtless, just as worthless as that crack whore of yours..'' _

_She has me there. I stiffen my jaw. That bitch. _

_''And after all those good times we had together,'' she pauses while she lets her fingers go softly over my arm. Goosebumps run over my body. ''you betrayed me with that little brown haired bitch.'' _

_She shakes her head and then loosens the straps, then walks out quickly. God no, not again. I lie still. Getting off the bed led me to being beat up last time she did this trick on me. _

_I still can't comprehend why she does this to me. I know she's upset about me and Ana, but.. Oh god Ana. My dear Ana. If I hadn't left this would perhaps never happened. _

_I mis her. She's the sun of my life. What if Elena turns on Ana as well? _

_''Hello Mr. Grey.'' a dark voice says, getting me out of my thoughts. ''You prefer to lie down? Sure, I can work with that as well.''_

_Because of the drugs Elena added into my vessels I can't make up his voice or his appereance. _

_He loosens my straps completely and then grabs me at my shoulders. I resist in working with him and try to kick him away. He laughs and then hits my eye with a fist. Fine, he wants to fight? Then I won't be a pussy, not this time. I try to get up from the bed but as soon as I stand I fall down on my knees. Drugs. Fucking drugs. _

_He kicks me in my stomach several times as I try to get up, then picks me up and throws me right against the walls. He lets me lie there and just watches me. He's constantly spinning harder, or jumping from the right to the left. I don't know. I try to crawl up with the wall in my back. Finaly up the guy stands right in front of me. _

_''Come one, smash me.'' I try to do as he tells me, but he grabs my wrist and scrapes it off the wall. I start screaming and try to push him away. Right after that he smashes my head against the wall and throws me on the ground again. _

_''And this is only what's for you.'' the man says. ''So bad you can't see what I'll do to your beloved wife. What's her name again?'' _

_I stare at him, trying to get a hold on his face. He picks me up from the ground and tries to drag me to the bed. My legs wont cooperate with me, but as soon we are at the bed I try to resist again. He hits me in my stomach and then I just do as I'm told. It's useless to fight back. Fight back at him while being under the drugs that Elena injected me with. _

_''Look, I have a picture of her.'' He says after he has strapped me down. _

_God no, please, no. _

_''Can you see it, mister druggyhead?'' he snaps at me as he lets me see the picture. ''Ana, right? She's such a lovely girl. Too bad she had to meet a guy like you.'' _


	10. Chapter 10

Hey, sorry for not posting for so long. I've been really busy with all sorts of things, causing me not to write further. Also, al my progression in the story has gone away due to a error, so I had to re-write a lot, which makes the story probably turn out otherwise then I have planned for it.  
Well, I hope you will like the next chapter. I've enlarged the drama for this chapter. Have fun reading, and one more; I'm very sorry for not posting anything the last few weeks.

x

Scared I look at my husband, my man. I'm shocked by how he acts in his sleep. Slowly I walk towards him and grab his shoulder. Before I can do anything to wake him up, he grabs my arm and pulls me closer. His grip is intense, painful even. I try to get my arm back, but he refuses. Instead, his grips tightens and he tries to get me down on the bed. Fuck.

''Christian, for christ sake.'' I scream at him. ''Wake up!''

Immediately he opens his eyes. I stare at him and in complete silence he lets go of my arm. What should I say? I can't handle a new trauma, and he can't either. _But I have to be there for him. _

''What did you dream?'' I whisper at him, breaking the silence.

''Ana,'' he mumbles ''I want our life back, I want you back. Us.''

I bite my lip and tears well up in my eyes. That's not good enough. I need to know what he dreamed.

''Christian, please.'' He sighs heavily, but still doesn't answer my question.

''Goddamn Ana! No! I won't. It's none of your business.''

''None of my business?!'' I yel at him. ''Nothing is mine since your back. You are even a bigger control freak then before you went away. Everything has to go your way, and for some reason I took that. And when I want to help you, that's not good enough. Nothing is good enough in here. Just, plain old nothing.''

You know what? I need to get out of this. Out of everything, my feelings, just.. everything. Him being the controller of literaly everything again makes me sick, and even If I want to help him, it goes the way _he _wants it. I get off the bed and leave his room. I want to get away from here, from him.

He need to understand me, just for once. He didn't since his return, he didn't even try. How can I try to understand him, if he can't try to understand me?

Without any self-control left I walk to the front door, open it and then start run. With every step I make in running down the stairs in the complex, I feel more rushed. When I'm finally down, bathed in sweat, I leave escala. Without anything, just me.

I can't control my crying and when it starts to rain, I regret the fact that I ran off like that in only my nightdress and on bare feet. But I don't want to go back. I can't even see escala anymore, that's how far I already walked.

I need the Christian I had before. The happy Christian, the one that lets me near his feelings and told me at least something. But he isn't there anymore. In the past two weeks I tried to get anything out of him, but he could only command me in what I was able to do, or not to do. Now I'm free, and I don't know what to do.

The nightlife in Seattle normally is wild, but since the rain started in anyone who was on the street, left it. Where should I go? I don't have money with me, so getting a taxi is not an option.

But even if I got a taxi, where could I possibly go? Christian would track me everywhere. Nervously with that thought I look around me. No Christian, no Taylor.

Maybe I could go to Kate, just for tonight. With that thought in mind I start to run. I need to get to Kate. She will help me, she always did. _But they will find me there._ Immideately I stop running. There is literally no place where he won't find me, except on the street.

Quickly I slip into an alley. It's darker in there. Without any thinking I walk further and then, when I finally find a little bit of shelter, I sit down. It's now that I start to feel cold. Completely out of any thought, I lay my head down. I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to live this way.

I need freedom, I need.. I don't know what I need but It's not all of what happens around me right now. While sobbing I slowly start to sink away to another world, somewhere where nobody can find me.

''Get her a bed, quickly.'' Someone yells next to my ear. I try to open my eyes and when I succeed, lots of light flash through my eyes. In reaction I close them again. Who is carrying me, and why? Slowly I try open my eyes again. Two blue eyes meet mine, and when he sees me looking at him, he instantly looks away. ''Now!''  
He puts me on a stretcher. What? Why am I in a hospital? My eyes widen, but I'm not able to do anything.  
''Are you related mister?'' I hear someone ask the man while they bring me away. I can't hear his answer, and I can't watch anymore. I'm too tired. I can't even feel my legs.  
''No, don't you fall asleep miss.'' Another man says. ''Try to stay with me, will you.'' I try to hold my eyes open, but it won't work. I'm cold, and I wan't to sleep. Now.  
''Get a nurse, I'll put her in a room.''

It al goes so fast and within a few minutes, I'm lying in a warm bed.

''you are very lucky,'' the man says. ''Now, will you please open your eyes and try to stay with me.''

I sigh and then open my eyes, my head resting on a pillow. I now see it's a young man who is talking to me. I try to read his nametag. Dr. Hillen.

''We are going to monitor your heart and will hydrate you. You will also get warm blankets and medication.'' he says to me. His voice is so.. so raw. I shiver, not knowing if it's because of him or the cold I'm still feeling.

''Now, can you try to make a fist?'' he's asks me friendly while trying to put a needle in my hand.

''Why am I here?'' I whisper.

''Girl, that's not something for now. Just, do as I-''

He gets interrupted by someone smashing the door open. I almost get a heart attack when I see who it is.


End file.
